The Princess Beard

Download or read book The Princess Beard written by Kevin Hearne and published by Del Rey. This book was released on 2019-10-08 with total page 379 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: This princess can shave herself! The hilarious bestselling authors of Kill the Farm Boy and No Country for Old Gnomes are back with a new adventure in the irreverent world of Pell. Once upon a time, a princess slept in a magical tower cloaked in thorns and roses. When she woke, she found no Prince Charming, only a surfeit of hair and grotesquely long fingernails—which was, honestly, better than some creep who acted without consent. She cut off her long braids and used them to escape. But she kept the beard because it made a great disguise. This is not a story about finding true love’s kiss—it's a story about finding yourself. On a pirate ship. Where you belong. But these are no ordinary pirates aboard The Puffy Peach, serving under Filthy Lucre, the one-eyed parrot pirate captain. First there’s Vic, a swole and misogynistic centaur on a mission to expunge himself of the magic that causes him to conjure tea and dainty cupcakes in response to stress. Then there’s Tempest, who’s determined to become the first dryad lawyer—preferably before she takes her ultimate form as a man-eating tree. They’re joined by Alobartalus, an awkward and unelfly elf who longs to meet his hero, the Sn’archivist who is said to take dictation directly from the gods of Pell. Throw in some mystery meat and a dastardly capitalist plot, and you’ve got one Pell of an adventure on the high seas! In this new escapade set in the magical land of Pell, Delilah S. Dawson and Kevin Hearne lovingly skewer the tropes of fairy tales and create a new kind of fantasy: generous, gently humorous, and inclusive. There might also be otters.

Download or read book Kill the Farm Boy written by Kevin Hearne and published by Del Rey. This book was released on 2018-07-17 with total page 411 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: In an irreverent series in the tradition of Monty Python, the bestselling authors of the Iron Druid Chronicles and Star Wars: Phasma reinvent fantasy, fairy tales, and floridly written feast scenes. “Ranks among the best of Christopher Moore and Terry Pratchett.”—Chuck Wendig “When you put two authors of this high caliber together, expect fireworks. Or at least laughs. What a hoot!”—Terry Brooks Once upon a time, in a faraway kingdom, a hero, the Chosen One, was born . . . and so begins every fairy tale ever told. This is not that fairy tale. There is a Chosen One, but he is unlike any One who has ever been Chosened. And there is a faraway kingdom, but you have never been to a magical world quite like the land of Pell. There, a plucky farm boy will find more than he’s bargained for on his quest to awaken the sleeping princess in her cursed tower. First there’s the Dark Lord, who wishes for the boy’s untimely death . . . and also very fine cheese. Then there’s a bard without a song in her heart but with a very adorable and fuzzy tail, an assassin who fears not the night but is terrified of chickens, and a mighty fighter more frightened of her sword than of her chain-mail bikini. This journey will lead to sinister umlauts, a trash-talking goat, the Dread Necromancer Steve, and a strange and wondrous journey to the most peculiar “happily ever after” that ever once-upon-a-timed. Praise for Kill the Farm Boy “A rollicking fantasy adventure that upends numerous genre tropes in audacious style . . . a laugh-out-loud-funny fusion of Monty Python–esque humor and whimsy à la Terry Pratchett’s Discworld.”—Kirkus Reviews “Dawson and Hearne’s reimagining of a traditional fairy tale is reminiscent of William Goldman’s The Princess Bride and William Steig’s Shrek! Irreverent, funny, and full of entertaining wordplay, this will keep readers guessing until the end.”—Library Journal “Will have you laughing out loud until strangers begin to look at you oddly.”—SyFy “A smart comedy . . . nuanced, complicated, and human.”—Tordotcom “[Delilah Dawson and Kevin Hearne] make fun of the typical ‘white male power fantasies,’ and in that, they succeed, with their heroes all characters of color and/or falling somewhere under the LGBTQ umbrella.”—Publishers Weekly

Download or read book No Country for Old Gnomes written by Kevin Hearne and published by Del Rey. This book was released on 2019-04-16 with total page 435 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: Go big or go gnome. The New York Times bestselling authors of Kill the Farm Boy welcome you to the world of Pell, the irreverent fantasy universe that recalls Monty Python and Terry Pratchett. “A complete delight, as fluffy and fun as The Lego Movie and as heartfelt as Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.”—Locus War is coming, and it’s gonna be Pell. On one side stand the gnomes: smol, cheerful, possessing tidy cardigans and no taste for cruelty. On the other side sit the halflings, proudly astride their war alpacas, carrying bags of grenades and hungry for a fight. And pretty much anything else. It takes only one halfling bomb and Offi Numminen’s world is turned upside down—or downside up, really, since he lives in a hole in the ground. His goth cardigans and aggressive melancholy set him apart from the other gnomes, as does his decision to fight back against their halfling oppressors. Suddenly Offi is the leader of a band of lovable misfits and outcasts—from a gryphon who would literally kill for omelets to a young dwarf herbalist who is better with bees than with his cudgel to an assertive and cheerful teen witch with a beard as long as her book of curses—all on a journey to the Toot Towers to confront the dastardly villain intent on tearing Pell asunder. These adventurers never fit in anywhere else, but as they become friends, fight mermaids, and get really angry at this one raccoon, they learn that there’s nothing more heroic than being yourself. In No Country for Old Gnomes, Delilah S. Dawson and Kevin Hearne lovingly tweak the tropes of fantasy and fairy tales. Here you’ll find goofy jokes and whimsical puns, but you’ll also find a diverse, feminist, and lighthearted approach to fantasy that will bring a smile to your face and many fine cheeses to your plate.

Download or read book Moldylocks and the Three Beards written by Noah Z. Jones and published by . This book was released on 2014 with total page 0 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: After falling through the refrigerator into the Land of Fake Believe, Princess meets a girl named Moldylocks who takes her to the home of the Three Beards for chili--but when the Beards capture her friend, Princess must come up with a plan to save her.

Download or read book From the Notebooks of a Middle School Princess written by Meg Cabot and published by Feiwel & Friends. This book was released on 2015-05-19 with total page 192 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: Return to the world of Meg Cabot's bestselling and beloved Princess Diaries series in From the Notebooks of a Middle School Princess—this time through the illustrated diary of a spunky new heroine: Princess Mia's long lost half-sister, Olivia! Olivia Grace Clarisse Mignonette Harrison is a completely average twelve-year-old: average height, average weight, average brown hair of average length, average brown skin and average hazel eyes. The only things about her that aren't average are her name (too long and princess themed), her ability to draw animals (useful for her future career as a wildlife illustrator), and the fact that she is a half-orphan who has never met her father and is forced to live with her aunt and uncle (who treat her almost like their own kids, so she doesn't want to complain). Then one completely average day, everything goes wrong: the most popular girl in school, Annabelle Jenkins, threatens to beat her up, the principal gives her a demerit, and she's knocked down at the bus stop . . . Until a limo containing Princess Mia Thermopolis of Genovia pulls up to invite her to New York to finally meet her father, who promptly invites her to come live with him, Mia, Grandmère and her two fabulous poodles . . . . Maybe Olivia Grace Clarisse Mignonette Harrison isn't so average after all!

Download or read book Princess for Hire written by Lindsey Leavitt and published by Disney Electronic Content. This book was released on 2011-05-04 with total page 256 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: When Desi Bascomb gets discovered by the elite Façade Agency--royalty surrogates extraordinaire--her life goes from glamour-starved to spectacular in a blink. As her new agent Meredith explains, Desi has a rare magical ability: when she applies the ancient formula Royal Rouge, she can temporarily transform into the exact lookalike of any princess who needs her subbing services.

Download or read book Hatshepsut written by Ellen Galford and published by National Geographic Books. This book was released on 2007 with total page 68 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: Biography of Hatshepsut's palace childhood and her adult life as Egypt's female pharaoh.