Dont Lick The Minivan

Download or read book Don't Lick the Minivan written by Leanne Shirtliffe and published by Skyhorse. This book was released on 2015-11-03 with total page 185 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: As a woman used to traveling and living the high life in Bangkok, Leanne Shirtliffe recognized the constant fodder for humor while pregnant with twins in Asia’s sin city. But in spite of deep-fried bug cuisine and nurses who cover newborn bassinets with plastic wrap, Shirtliffe manages to keep her babies alive for a year with help from a Coca-Cola deliveryman, several waitresses, and a bra factory. Then she and her husband return home to the isolation of North American suburbia. In Don’t Lick the Minivan, Shirtliffe captures the bizarre aspects of parenting in her edgy, honest voice. She explores the hazards of everyday life with children such as: The birthday party where neighborhood kids took home skin rashes from the second-hand face paint she applied. The time she discovered her twins carving their names into her minivan’s paint with rocks. The funeral she officiated for “Stripper Barbie.” The horror of glitter. And much more! Shirtliffe eventually realizes that even if she can’t teach her kids how to tie their shoelaces, she’s a good enough mom. At least good enough to start saving for her twins’ therapy fund. And possibly her own. Shirtliffe’s memoir might not replace a therapist, but it is a lot cheaper.

Download or read book You Are a Dog written by Terry Bain and published by Crown. This book was released on 2010-04-14 with total page 162 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: A hilarious, captivating commentary that gives us--finally--a true dog’s-eye view of the world. • The Sofa: “The sofa is Position One. The sofa makes you feel as if you are with your people even when your people are gone.” • The Toilet: “The advantage of drinking from the toilet is that the water is always fresh.” • The Baby: “Often known as She Who Randomly Flings Food from the Table, the baby has the most flavorful, ever-changing face of all your people.” “After reading You Are a Dog, you will start thinking like a dog.” --Bash Dibra, celebrity pet trainer and author of DogSpeak “You Are a Dog should be the talk of every dog run in the U.S. With humor, and more bite than one might expect, Terry Bain helps us to see the world through the eyes of our dogs, and to look at their lives in fresh and insightful ways.” --Jon Katz, author of A Dog Year, The New Work of Dogs, and The Dogs of Bedlam Farm “Terry Bain has cracked the canine code to demystify those charming, endearing, and occasionally bizarre habits our beloved dogs exhibit. You Are a Dog is equal parts witty and warm, sweet and sympathetic--read this and be destined to meet your dog at a richer, deeper level.”--Dr. Marty Becker, veterinary contributor for Good Morning America, author of The Healing Power of Pets

Download or read book Don't Lick the Flagpole written by David Banman and published by . This book was released on 2015-06 with total page pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt:

Download or read book Sloth to the Rescue written by Leanne Shirtliffe and published by Running Press Kids. This book was released on 2019-10-15 with total page 35 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: Sloth and friends teach kids how to combat first-day-of-school shyness in this humorous and heartfelt picture book. At the Rainforest Rescue Center, Sloth loves when Patti comes to visit. But when Patti forgets her class report, it's up to Sloth, with the help of his other (faster) rain-forest friends, to return Patti's notebook to her-at school! Will they be able to find her among all the other kids in a new environment? The first day of school can be scary-especially if you forget your summer assignment-but in Sloth to the Rescue,Sloth, Peccary, Boa, Capuchin, and Ocelot overcome their fears and realize that what makes them unique is what helps them fit right in!

Download or read book No Wonder My Parents Drank written by Jay Mohr and published by Simon and Schuster. This book was released on 2010-05-11 with total page 270 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: YOU’LL NEVER SLEEP IN THIS TOWN AGAIN From Saturday Night Live to stand-up, from a blockbuster film career to the star of CBS’s hit television show Gary Unmarried, Jay Mohr is one of the funniest people in comedy today. Now, in this down and dirty tale of modern fatherhood, Mohr shares his stories as a first-time parent. No Wonder My Parents Drank reveals the details behind Mohr’s humiliating test-tube conception attempts and then recounts the trauma of not only having to keep this child alive, but having to spend time alone with him! He waxes poetic about dirty diapers; spins theories on spanking; and mulls over the more hidden advantages of parenthood, like carpool lane access, carte blanche to use the ladies restroom, and an alibi for missing family dinners. Mohr describes, in painfully funny detail, the bizarre situations that all parents inevitably face but can never prepare for (such as when his kid discovered his dog’s rear end) as well as moments of pure joy like taking his son to his first baseball game. Mohr reports on the hilarious wisdom that his son, Jackson, has taught him—like why it’s fun to play "Kissy Boy" with the other boys at recess, how important sunscreen is for avoiding a "sunborn," and how awesome it is to get a "rainbow belt" in karate. Riotously acerbic and refreshingly honest, No Wonder My Parents Drank casts the very funny Jay Mohr with an even funnier mini-me sidekick as a supporting character in a little comedic love story that every person who either is a parent or has a parent will find delightful.

Download or read book How to Look Hot in a Minivan written by Janice Min and published by St. Martin's Press. This book was released on 2012-09-18 with total page 240 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: In 2003, as the newly named editor in chief of Us Weekly magazine, Janice Min was busy documenting a seismic cultural shift: the making of the "Hollywood Mom." Think Angelina Jolie, Victoria Beckham, Halle Berry, and Beyoncé—stars who proudly displayed their pregnancies, shed the baby weight overnight, and helped turn the once-frumpy bump industry into seriously big business. In the blink of an eye, it seemed, "skinny jeans" had replaced "mom jeans." Bugaboos had become status symbols. Motherhood itself had become an exciting style statement. And then—just eight weeks after her big promotion—Janice discovered that she was pregnant, too. "I started ogling, with morbid fascination, the photographs that flooded my office—red-carpet and paparazzi shots of celebrities in bikinis and bandage dresses mere weeks after giving birth," she writes. "I'd stare at my own ever-expanding body. Then I'd stare at Heidi Klum (who gave birth one month before my due date and managed to bounce back before I'd even hit the delivery room). How did these women do it? I wondered." How to Look Hot in a Minivan was born. With her trademark self-deprecating style and tongue-in-cheek humor, Janice set out to debunk some of Hollywood's biggest mommy myths. Then she brought together the industry's biggest experts in fitness, fashion, beauty, and all-things-baby to divulge the secrets behind the stars' seemingly effortless postpartum style. Serving up practical, honest, and often surprising advice for new moms everywhere, Janice and her arsenal of experts reveal: • The 10 Wardrobe Essentials every chic mom should own • How to style red carpet-worthy hair, even on school days • The secrets to hiding a postnatal stomach pooch • The truth behind the C-tuck (Do celebrity moms sometimes slim down courtesy of a combination cesarean section-tummy tuck?) • Hollywood's Biggest Losers (What did it really take for stars like Kate Hudson, Milla Jovovich, and Poppy Montgomery to lose the baby weight?) In How to Look Hot in a Minivan, Min dispels the idea that looking great post-pregnancy is only for the rich, the pampered, and the lucky. With Min's guilt-free, stay-sane strategies, moms everywhere can look and feel like stars—whether their baby is six months or sixteen years.

Download or read book I Totally Meant to Do That written by Jane Borden and published by Crown. This book was released on 2011-03-01 with total page 242 pages. Available in PDF, EPUB and Kindle. Book excerpt: Jane Borden is a hybrid too horrifying to exist: a hipster-debutante. She was reared in a propert Southern home in Greensboro, North Carolina, sent to boarding school in Virginia, and then went on to join a sorority in Chapel Hill. She next moved to New York and discovered that none of this grooming meant a lick to anyone. In fact, she hid her upbringing for many years--it was easier than explaining what a debutante "does" (the short answer: not much). Anyone who has moved away from home or lived in (or dreamed of living in) New York will appreciate the hilarity of Jane's musings on the intersections of and altercations between Southern hospitality and Gotham cool.